“Your love so deep is washing over me”
So hello again, welcome to 2019 Emily.
There’s so much that’s been going on through my brain and my life these past 3 months but I’m glad to finally sit down and write again. I’ve selected sinking deep as the theme for this entry because in addition to that being one of my absolute favorite worship songs, it pretty much sums up how this semester has been going so far, and not necessarily in a bad way!
I came back from my semester abroad and jumped full force into life back at LMU. I took on two new Executive Board positions in different organizations, a full course load of classes, and rejoined my bible study group as well as my job as a campus tour guide. To say the least, I’ve been a bit preoccupied. But it’s all 100% stuff that I want to be involved in and using as my ways to express myself on this campus. With that, I feel there have been times where I’ve felt like I’m sinking. And sinking deep. Sinking into a workload of reading and papers, sorority involvements and tough conversations; sinking so much into my roles and positions’ problems and qualms that I have almost lost the piece of my mind that is completely Emily, and now I’m working to dig my way back out and through the sinking sand.
I try to spin my “sinking” from time to time into the notion of fully immersing myself in that which I’m involved in, and I think for a while I’m able to trick myself into thinking that this is always good. I’m dedicating myself and my time to my conversations with friends thus sinking deeper into those relationships. I’m committing to my role in my sorority because I have chosen to be a leader and want to fully embrace that identity. But finally, this past week rolled around, and I could no longer tell myself that I’m sinking deep into better relationships but that I was truly sinking!
I chose to highlight a certain line of “Sinking Deep” which reads “your love so deep is washing over me”. Again, I interpret this as a symbol of my love for everything I do that it washes over me like a wave and fully engulfs me. But I guess in a weird, dark sense of the line, the love began to wash over me like a wave that completely washed me away, pulled me down, and caused me to start sinking. So I had to step back and refocus on what this love really is? Is this real love? Who is this love really for? As another one of my favorite worship songs, “Oceans”, says “keep my eyes above the waves”, I needed to reposition myself above that which has overtaken me. Set my sights on that which will not consume, but actually fulfill.
So this past weekend, I took a break. I took a day to myself. I cleaned up my life. I set my sights above the waves and sank back into Emily, not the Emily of my sorority, my job, my academics. I spent the day cleaning my apartment, planning out my week, finishing all my homework, catching up on my favorite shows, working out, letting my skin breathe and doing a face mask, drinking tea, and getting sleep. And it was such a good day. But it was also actually a really horrible day for my heart.
I missed my brother so much that day. I cried just thinking of him. My heart hurt. My love for him so deep, it was washing over me. But funny enough, I also thought of how I used to hear this song. When I first heard “Sinking Deep”, I thought the line read, “watching over me”. So I used to think in terms of my brother that his love was so deep for me, he was watching over me still beyond death, just like that of Jesus Christ. I really like that. And so when I spent the day focusing on that, focusing on the love for Jesus Christ and my brother that I both give and receive from them, I began to resurface from what was weighing me down while simultaneously sinking deeper into the relationship I have with both of them that fills me up.
Just like a wave, this love and this life rises and falls, weighs me downs, sinks me deeply, but lets me rise and resurface above the waves again. I’m so fortunate to live this life. As I head into the second half of the semester that will close out my junior year, I hope to feel refreshed when I rise from the ocean and yet, sink even deeper into myself and all of which makes me, me.