I’m no longer asking for words of affirmation. Instead, I’m looking for acts of service.
On October 21 (a very special day for me), I felt the need to retake the official 5 love languages test. The day before I retook the enneagram test too (still type 2w3). I don’t exactly know what led to the decision to retest myself but nonetheless, I did.
To be completely honest, when the final results showed, I wasn’t all that surprised. Could be because as you take the test, and if you really know the love languages, you can almost very obviously tell which way the answers are skewing. But I tried really really hard to be objective and fairly answer them all. Still, when I got my results, I wasn’t shocked. I had felt the change in me.
40% acts of service
0% physical touch
10% receiving gifts
23% quality time
27% words of affirmation
Prior to my retake, my highest love language was words of affirmation. I used to say to people, “don’t give me a gift or a hug, tell me I’m doing a good job and I’ll keep doing that job for you”. I needed those compliments and that praise to feel loved and appreciated. And ultimately, because I was often offering myself or a service to someone else, I needed to be told what I was doing was right which equaled what I was doing was loved by another.
I still love words of affirmation (as you can see it’s my second highest love language), but it’s not the way I feel most loved anymore. Throughout much of 2020, basically all of which was spent in quarantines and lockdowns, I had felt a shift within myself and noticed those words weren’t cutting it for me anymore. I don’t want that to make me seem like a stone-cold b*tch hahah. If you tell me, you love me, I appreciate it (and I love you too). If you tell me thank you for doing something for you, I will say your welcome. But I think that’s the catch.
I was doing a lot of things for a lot of people and I got tired of being the only one. Quarantine became a time to step back from a lot of the roles I was fulfilling – whether it was in school, a club, an organization, at work, within my household, etc. I finally had more “me” time. And I didn’t want that time to be about doing things for anyone else.
My mantra of “tell me I’m doing a good job and I’ll keep doing that job for you” cracked. It got to the point where I recognized my awful disease to please (IF YOU KNOW YOU KNOW). My love language was rooted in the idea that all I needed was someone to toss a few words my way (whether they meant it or not) acknowledging all the things I did for them. I chose to do a lot for others so that they would never stop telling me they were pleased with me. DISEASED. And I associated their responses with love. But somewhere in the year that was 2020, I decided that wasn’t filling the hole that all us have for love.
I realized I would rather have someone actually do a task for me, perform an act of service, to show me they love and appreciate me. It became my turn to ask for some help. But better yet, for someone to do a task without me needing to ask first. An act of service.
I love love!! I love the love languages. I think it’s so important to know the ways in which you feel love as well as the ways you give love. And it’s equally important to know the ways those around you feel most loved because then you can tailor your actions and interactions with them in a way that offers the most over joyous, overflowing, ridiculous, incredible LOVE!
The top two ways I show love is through giving gifts and acts of service. Or quality time! I have friends who feel most loved this way so sometimes we just hang. Or other friends really like hugs, so I do my best to give them that (it’s harder for me because as you can see from my love language test, it’s at a 0% for me). Acts of service has kind of become a tit for a tat with me. You do something for me, I’ll do 10 things for you hahah
But I will feel incredibly loved when you take the time, go out of your way, and complete an act of service that truly helps me out!
I don’t know why I thought my love language wouldn’t change after I first took the test in college. Now I realize, of course they’ll change. Because you’ll change. And grow as a person. So, the way you feel love at one time in life, might not suffice at another. I encourage all of you to go take the test if you never have or retake at this time just to see where you’re at now. Then, let the people in your life know! Let’s spread and show the most love we possibly can!!
LOVE YOU!!!!!
