Before we begin, let me just say, this post has no ah-ha ending. I don’t offer some advice or resolution. I just discuss my struggles. And you know what? It’s my blog meant for this purpose so that’s why I’m going to post this.
So anyway……
This is a thought that literally, no one else might ever have shared but one that I have struggled with for a few months now—when faith feels cheesy.
A couple posts ago, I discussed my spiritual heightening that occurred on my most recent immersion trip to the country of Cambodia. Since then, all summer I have been a stronger person of faith and, more specifically, a stronger Catholic woman. I attended mass at least every Sunday that I could and sometimes even more during the weekdays. I prayed every single day at 3:30pm because I downloaded the Daily Bible app and set my bible time to this hour to receive a bible passage on my phone. I acknowledged and was more vocal that I was Catholic, let alone religious, to those that I encountered and let it be known on social media, posting videos of me singing worship songs. My favorite Spotify playlist became “tyj” (Thank You, Jesus) created by my beautiful friend, Lizzie Bromley (shoutout to you!) and I set my main car radio station to 97.3 K-LOVE which is a contemporary Christian music station, playing them both constantly no matter who I was in companion with.
Now, all this might sound incredibly superficial and not at all what being a stronger person of faith is about, but for me, it was a huge lifestyle change. I did these things because I actually really wanted to and because it was my way of expressing my faith. I have never so badly wanted to make time in my schedule so that I could attend church on Sunday or thought to use daily mass and praying the rosary on Tuesday as a way of spending time with one of my best friends. I have never taken time to read and reflect on Bible passages and I have never known and memorized the words to Christian worship songs like somebody would to “Super Bass” (still know every word to this song:)). But nonetheless, through it all, I have wondered and feared that I was being “too cheesy”.
There is really no other way for me to put it. Especially after a year of struggling so fiercely with my faith and being religious, I thought it was too drastic of a change for me to all of sudden be super duper Catholic and “go, Jesus!!” without it appearing fake. There was no way I felt it natural to go from someone who rarely spoke about it to someone who had to pause her day to pray and felt it necessary to call upon Jesus in other times of need. Or how unnatural it was to go from being someone who would try to fake oversleep just so I didn’t make it to mass to waking up two hours before mass in order to get myself ready and be early. To be fairly blunt about it all, I really just didn’t want people to think that I was some white American girl who went on this immersion trip to a foreign Southeast Asian country, visited an orphanage, and came back like, “OMG, this trip totally changed my life and now I LOVE JESUS” and I’m going to talk about him and listen to songs about him and read about him all day every day. But as previously discussed, the trip was life-changing and it did further connect me to God and make me really love Jesus so lol.
What I eventually realized was that I wasn’t in fear of the change itself, but rather I was in fear of other people’s opinions about it. People smiled and nodded along as I told my tale or played my music or pushed off plans so that I could go to mass, but what did they really think on the inside? Was this love for the Lord real or was it just the aftermath effects of the trip that will eventually wear off? What was I really feeling on the inside? On the outside, it looks like I did a complete 180 on life in a short period of time because of one “mission trip”. But it’s when I can open up and sit down with someone to explain the steps it took to get there and how those two weeks in Cambodia really were just the perfect amount of time to sit in my thoughts, reflect, experience and change my life that it might make more sense. However, I can’t do that with everyone that now sees me or if I can, they still might not believe me, so the impression some could have is that I am just one of those voluntourists…..and I guess I have to be ok with that. I cannot fear the opinions or judgment of others who don’t care to listen, don’t care to understand or who don’t agree with me (something that is totally ok). One of my dear friends Christina who was on the trip reminded me that I saw God and that is not something to diminish or allow for others—or myself—to take away from me because of a few judgmental comments, looks, or thoughts. And so, I’m working on it.
But alright, let’s say I’m ok with people thinking I’m kinda cheesy. There’s more to the issue and this is the part I truly can’t fix and don’t have an answer, a resolution, or advice for because this is the part that I am most hurt, confused, and frustrated by. I realized a huge overarching fear that factors into all this is the fear of the connotation the Catholic church and religion holds to many people around the world. Nowadays, I think it’s much harder to proclaim you are Catholic because there is a lot wrong with the church, which I will admit to, and I fear being attached to that. Thus, I fear that the more “Catholic” I appear to others now because of my “cheesy” actions, the more I am going to be equated to some of the values of the church that I don’t necessarily agree with. Overall, I fear. And I fear people’s perceptions of me.
That sounds totally stupid and some of you may be thinking, “Well, don’t live in fear. Who cares what others think? Live your life”. Trust me. I think these things too and I pray for them. But that doesn’t mean I am healed. Which is why I told you that I am struggling and that ultimately, this post has no ah-ha ending. For now, I’m working on it.
What I can say is that no matter how hard you try to explain yourself, there are people who don’t agree. And that’s scary. But that’s life. And I’m working on that too.
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Wow! So the craziest thing happened. I wrote this blog post in the morning. Come 3:30pm my bible passage for the day arrived on my phone. And this is what it read….
SERVE THE LORD WITH FEAR AND REJOICE WITH TREMBLING!!!! This is why I love Jesus. Ok, that is all 🙂
I totally get it! 🙂