I left my soul in Carolina

4 years ago, I went to South Carolina for the first time. My family visited Hilton Head Island and Charleston, SC for about a week. Flash forward 4 years to about one month ago, and I went back for the first time since then. I first went in May right after the end of my junior year of high school and, this past May, went after completing my junior year of college. Very full circle of me. I now truly believe part of my soul is in South Carolina. I can’t completely describe the feeling to you but I will try my best. 4 years ago, junior year of high school had just finished. That year was a rough one. Not only was it probably the most difficult year for me academically at school—college planning, AP classes, etc.— but it was also very difficult for my personal life. Dance was a huge part of my identity growing up. It was pretty much all I knew and especially during my high school years, it was what I dedicated most of my time to. As soon as I left school, I was at the dance studio until late at night, 5 days a week and then Saturday rehearsals. My friends and teachers from my dance studio were my second family and the studio was my second home. But about halfway through the year, one of my teachers and the co-owner of the studio resigned suddenly only to later open her own studio across town. It was really shocking and very hard for me and my friends to grapple with because she was one of our mentors and like a second mom to many of us, so for her to suddenly leave us without any word really hurt. The rest of the semester was very awkward and unsettling at the studio as those left behind were picking up the pieces. That May was our big spring recital that we had every other year and so, for me and my friends who were juniors and seniors, this was going to be our last spring recital. A very emotional time to get through. Additionally, that year was really hard for my family. My older brother, Thomas, was off at his first year of college in NYC that year. He was really struggling with his identity, sexuality, and mental health and so it was hard for our family to support him from halfway across the country. He had made a few attempts on his life that year that sent my family into distress. Trying to mentally handle the stress with my school, family, and dance life made junior year a really tough one. So as soon as I finished dancing on that stage for my spring recital with all my best friends by my side and my family in the audience, I went home, packed a bag and was on a plane to South Carolina with my family the next day. I don’t know what I remember expecting from that vacation but it definitely wasn’t what I walked away with. All I knew was that I wanted to read a sh*t ton of my Nicholas Sparks novels because A) I love those books and B) his novels all take place in the Carolinas so like duh it made sense to read them there. We stayed on Hilton Head Island at the Disney resort on the island. My family is obsessed with Disney so are we really surprised?!? I spent several days just sitting in a hammock, reading my book, relaxing on the beach, going boating, wearing no make-up, having salty hair and soaking up the sun and gorgeous views. It was truly so peaceful and beautiful, getting out of Kansas City and spending time relaxing immediately after the stress of the year that I went through. There was really nothing like it! But the day that sticks out to me the most from this vacation and forever will give me chills, was the day my family ventured into Charleston. That day, my older brother refused to get out of bed. He was going through one of his mood swings and just didn’t want to be bothered. Reluctantly, my family left him to sleep the day away in bed while we drove the 2 hours from Hilton Head into Charleston for the day. Once in Charleston, we visited an old plantation with incredible views of the Carolina marshlands, the river, and downtown Charleston. We explored the downtown area, sipping on sweet tea, walking through the market, touring the spice shops, and perusing the waterfront. It was altogether another very relaxing, beautiful, and peaceful day. The craziest part about that day was my family was completely at ease. It’s hard to describe how shocking that feeling was for me but it was basically the polar opposite of what our family dynamic had been like the past year. With the stress of my older brother and my dance, I feel like we were constantly on edge and tense. The easiness of the day felt so natural yet it was unnatural to what we had experienced as a family before. For me, this day was the first time my family felt like a family of 5. And it was comfortable. In that moment, we were ok. And for some reason, as if almost foreshadowing the future, I knew my family was going to be ok, no matter what was to come. The 5 of us were going to be able to do it together. This is not a dig at my older brother and the amazing soul that he was. But not having him around that day, watching my family interact and go through our day in Charleston with such peace in our hearts and smiles on our faces was a feeling I will never quite forget. It’s eery to think about how it was the first day we felt like a family a 5, complete in our own little way, but knowing there was a member and piece of our family we had left behind that was still with us. My family will always be a family of 6. But we operate as 5. South Carolina created a peace in my mind and heart that allowed me to come to terms with that feeling, about 5 months before my family would lose Thomas and know we needed that comfort. I think the accumulation of all the stress I had felt that school year juxtaposing the beauty, peace, and joy I felt in my relaxed state of mind throughout my whole week in South Carolina formed this image in my mind that it was the most wonderful place on earth and best vacation I’ve ever had. So it was why I had the thought for my family to go back exactly 4 years later after I finished my junior year of college. This year was another odd one for me. Not as stressful as junior year of high school but still different in comparison to the other two years of college prior. Especially this past semester, a lot was thrown my way at school and in my personal life. So when the opportunity arose for me to have some time with my family on my only vacation of the summer, since I’m spending my summer out in LA away from family, I suggested South Carolina in hopes of having a chance to reset and be put in a state of peace in my life. So last month, as soon as my little brother finished school for the summer, that afternoon, we hopped on a plane headed to the south. Once again we stayed on Hilton Head Island but this time at a beach house we rented. I spent the week waking up with the sun, sipping my coffee on the back porch, relaxing at the beach, going to the spa, taking a dip in our pool, cooking meals on the grill, boating, and, of course, reading more Nicholas Sparks! I gave my mind, and my skin, a chance to rest and reset while starting to form my summer freckles. We spent a day in Charleston, again, drinking ice tea, visiting a plantation, walking downtown through the market, and sitting by the waterfront. There was no earth shattering, mind blowing realization this time, but I was just so happy the whole vacation! I love the ease and simplicity I feel in South Carolina. The architecture of Charleston that incorporates the historic colonial feel with the modernization and renovation of the future. The quaint east coast lifestyle with the prospects of a busy and full life. The feeling of summer on the island, filled with families, children playing, bike rides around the neighborhood, seafood on the pier (but yo girl is vegetarian so I just stick with the hush puppies) and the summer sun setting over the river is all so amazing. After leaving this time, I knew in my mind, there’s a part of my soul that is left in South Carolina.

I have such an imagination and my brain does this thing where I see so many different versions of myself and the future I want to live. One of those visions is me moving to Charleston, living the small town, east coast life with my beach house on the island, the sun on my skin and my heart happy. Of course, this is just a vision, but who knows, maybe one day, we’ll see. For now, I will dream of being able to keep returning to the Carolinas to hit that reset button and explore the part of my soul that lives there.