There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
–Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
I’ve had major writer’s block for a while now. I felt like I need to write something to post because A) I haven’t posted in a while and want to keep consistent B) I pay for this domain so probably should post something to make the payment worth it (the honest truth) and C) There’s a lot (and nothing) going on at the same time so I should document it.
So for these reasons, last week when I took a look at this website and realized I hadn’t posted since May, I set out to write. But what do I write about? I had no clue. Something meaningful. Something relevant. Something fun and simple like half-cross country road trip tips (did that trip at the end of June)? Or something #deep?
I wanted it to be somewhat important and not just nonsense for the sake of getting something posted on my website again. But I really felt like I had nothing to write about. Because what have I been doing? But that’s just it. That’s the most relevant, relatable, deep, and yet simple thing to talk about. My current season of life. What have I been doing? Plain and simple answer. And then just like God always does in His goodness, just as I was starting to think of writing again, I picked up my Bible to continue on with my cover-to-cover bible study I began back in March but hadn’t furthered since before I left LA in June (there’s so much in this single sentence I’ll unpack lol) and I read the next book which was Ecclesiastes. And Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 could not have been the more perfect thing for the moment.
So ya, lemme backtrack a bit and fill you in on some of the above-mentioned things I’ve been doing + more.
- Back in March, when quarantine began, I set out to read the Bible. Cover to cover. Something I’ve never done before. And as a woman of God, a Catholic, a believer, I figured I should know what exactly I preach and believe in with this thing we call the Bible. Otherwise, I’m just another complacent Catholic, following along with that which I’ve been told and not what I’ve learned myself. It has been such a rewarding process. I’m in the Old Testament and through reading it, I have found new meaning in some of the classic Bible stories I’ve always heard about. I’ve also recognized and acknowledged parts of the Bible, mostly some teachings and language/treatment of women, that I don’t agree or identify with. Even through finding these parts, I’ve learned more about who I am as a believer. And God works in perfect timing (Kairos). His word has been delivered to me and been exactly what I needed in the exact season I was in. For example, at the beginning of quarantine (March—the beginning of the pandemic for us in the U.S), I was starting with Genesis and Exodus. I found so much power in these books as they talked about the creation, care, and splendor of this earth. As we were thrown into this pandemic, I reflected on what the greater result behind it was going to be and how because all of the human race was thrown into quarantine, the earth could get a chance to heal and regrow. Humanity has spent so long destroying this earth, this alter built for and created by God, and it was time for that to change and heal. a time to kill and a time to heal. God’s word matching in perfect harmony to what I was experiencing at that time. Then further on, around June, I read the Psalms and Proverbs. Through these books, I found so much talk of justice and righteousness. At that time, the Black Lives Matter movement was picking up speed at a rapid pace, and I, along with much of the nation, was waking up to these injustices, checking my privilege, reeducating myself, and fighting to do better. a time to be silent and a time to speak. Simultaneously, I was finding word in the Bible in Psalms and Proverbs of standing with and for the oppressed in the effort to dismantle the oppressor. And then of course, what I mentioned about Ecclesiastes occurred just last week. Truly, a season for everything. And God’s timing. Just SO GOOD!! I think I’m going to discuss even further about my faith life and some exploration I’ve done not just over the past few months but the year and save that for its own post so stay tuned for that!!
- I left LA. I officially moved out June 29 and returned to the great state of Kansas in the very late night of June 30. Seriously, just a quick 2-day half-cross country road trip with me, my sister, my brother, and my mom (my dad came to LA on the frontend of my family’s road trip to help me move but had to fly back to KC for some business so he didn’t make the drive back with us). We took the northern route which meant we left California, crossed through Nevada, Arizona, Utah, Colorado, and then finally Kansas. My sister mostly rode in my car as I drove the entirety of the first day and most of the second, but I did get to spend a good 6 hours or so in the car with my brother the first day. Good talks with both siblings, lots of music listened to including the entirety of the Hamilton soundtrack, a couple of blips in our plans like accidentally driving down the Vegas strip, sitting in stand-still traffic for a half-hour when the highway shut down due to a fire 😬 and driving through the wrong lane of the turnpike yet still avoiding a violation, but overall easy-peasy. And since then, for the past 3 weeks, I’ve been settling back into home life here in the midwest and honestly, feeling some sh*t. a time to plant and a time to uproot. First of all, I love LA and I will always be so so grateful for the opportunity to go to LMU, leave home, and everything that came out of the past 4 years. But now, I’m so happy to be out of there. I was getting antsy. Especially after 4 months of quarantine, I was excited about the next thing and to come back home where the word ’space’ is something I feel embodied a lot more. LA was also becoming quite the hotspot of COVID *yikes* when I was leaving, so I left at a good time. I’m ready to move out to NYC (or somewhere east of Kansas City, I’ll get to the job stuff next) and just wave bye and not look back to the west coast for a bit. That’s not to say I don’t love it, appreciate what it has to offer and may never return one day. To my amigas who live out there, I love ya and I wish you all the best of luck in LA. It’s just not for me right now. Quarantine gave me a chance to round off my time in LA with my 3 best friends/roomies so honestly wouldn’t have traded it. If there were any people to fully spend my last few months in LA in lockdown with, it was them. And we sure as heck made the most of it (given all the circumstances). Quarantine also made me kinda just rip the bandaid off my time in LA and not be super sappy or nostalgic about leaving just because I couldn’t really go anywhere, see anyone, or do any of the ~lasts~ that I would have done had the circumstances been different. I thought I would sob while leaving or maybe halfway through the road trip or maybe even after being back home. But truth is, I haven’t cried about saying goodbye to so many friends and a city that I love so much. I’ve cried about some other things since being home though, don’t go thinking I’m stonecold. Just not me leaving. a time to weep and a time to laugh. I think because I’m so ready and excited to do the next thing. So all in all, I’m super happy to now be back home. Being back with family and seeing other friends that I haven’t seen in MONTHS has been so nice. I’ve enjoyed being back in my house and configuring a new routine. I’ve been reorganizing and deep cleaning my room to make a space that I can enjoy and that isn’t so high-school me. a time to keep and a time to throw away. I’ve stuck to my workout routine, getting up every single morning for an at-home pilates session. I’ve been going for walks with family, catching sunsets in empty parking lots eating shaved ice with friends, chilling in the new hot tub my parents invested in (lol), and enjoying a classic midwest summer to the extent that’s possible (WEAR YOUR DAMN MASKS, EVERYONE)!!! (AND KEEP 6FT APART AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE, WASH YOUR HANDS, AND TELL THE ONES YOU LOVE THAT YOU LOVE THEM (just don’t hug them)!!!) a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. Honestly, it all just feels really good because it’s something different than what I had been doing and I needed a change of scenery and pace and people. I needed a change of season. And I needed a segway point as I journey forth in the ~dun dun dun~ JOB SEARCH😱
- So I’m unemployed. That doesn’t feel as super scary to say as usually that statement comes across. And there’s immense fortune and privilege in saying and recognizing that. I have been in the job search since February. If you want to know how many jobs I’ve applied to at this point, all you have to do is ask. Oh, you’re wondering? Well right now as I write this on July 19, it’s 107. Now, that’s a lot, I know. But I’ve been doing this for 5 months now, some of that is just sending entry-level inquiries to people and not actually applying to job openings, LinkedIn has a messed up algorithm with some one-click Easy Apply jobs (meaning I’ve applied to probably about 20-30 jobs that weren’t actually available anymore but LinkedIn still had them posted and was reposting them as new jobs), and ya the rest are actual jobs I’ve applied to and haven’t gotten. I’ve interviewed or had some sort of introductory call with about 7 of those places. And I still don’t have a job yet. Now, you can interpret or make any assumptions about me from this information, I don’t really care (that’s more of a reflection of you anyway). But I know I’m a hard worker, great employee, skilled, organized, and eager….I just haven’t found ~the one~. And that’s what they tell me, all it takes is one. One person, one company that will take a chance on me. So I’ve been praying every night for that one. (And side note, I would love your prayers too!) But job searching is hard. a time to search and a time to give up. The current nation’s climate doesn’t really make it any easier. I’m competing for jobs with the largest applicant pool ever and a lot of companies are just flat out on hiring freezes so there’s a lot stacked against me. I’m looking to move to NYC. I came to that decision back in February after months of praying, debating, thinking, and searching. For the past few years, I’ve said I wanted to try living there one day even just for a few months and figured there was no better time to do it than right after graduating when I had no committed relationship or another job/opportunity keeping me from making the move. I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted and then the world went to sh*t. Something or someone, I say God, had other plans. With that, I probably won’t be moving to NYC anytime in 2020. Which going back to point 2, makes settling back into home a little bit more permanent. Also, I said I was looking east of Kansas City. That’s because, through a couple of talks with my ever-supportive, wonderful, concerned, and loving parents, they wanted me to expand my job search and not put all my eggs in one basket since clearly, things aren’t working out too well right now with NYC. So I’ve looked at Chicago, Philadelphia, Boston, Washington D.C., and even Charlotte, NC. Basically, I’m just hopping across the country from LA to KC to maybe another city east of that? to NYC. The end goal is NYC though for sure. And that’s still my main search. Predominantly, I’ve applied there. And in these circumstances, my ideal situation would be someplace in NYC hires me, I start remote and work from home in KC for the rest of 2020, and then make a safer move to NYC in 2021. But ya know, we’ll see. I can’t plan anything I guess at this point because who knows what wrench God is going to throw in my plans. We’re in the middle of a pandemic, so I give myself a little slack that I graduated during one of the worst economies falls and into a terrible job market. I don’t feel as much of a bum for not having a job because it’s not entirely my fault. Ultimately, I’m still in a good place. I don’t feel in a dire rush to get a job. Like I said in the beginning though, I’m in a super fortunate position to where I don’t need to get a job right away. My parents are letting me live with them, support me, feed me, keep a roof over my head, pay my bills, and are not pushing me out the door. I have the privilege to just relax for the first time in 18 years and lean in to not having a job or school or any kind of work. Sure, eventually, if I’m home long enough and nothing is working out with full-time remote jobs elsewhere, I’ll probably get a part-time job here at home just to get some cash flowing in. And so I’m doing ok and am pretty content with life. I’m in a very interesting season of post-grad life. All I’m looking to do is a little hop, skip, and a jump across the country and keep on heading east onto the next adventure.
This season of life I’m in feels like all 4 in 1. It’s been a lot. But at the same time, I feel like I’m just kinda riding the wave, feeling overarchingly constantly content, and don’t really have much else going on until my next big move. It’s still been super hard at times and I’ve not always liked it. a time to love and a time to hate. There is a time for everything. This time has been mine.