Hi.
First let me start by saying, I hope you are well and weird wherever you are.
Second, I want to say I’m sorry. I have felt disconnected to you lately. And this disconnection makes me feel like I’ve forgotten, which I want you to know more than anything in the world I haven’t. The more time that passes, the further from the reality we are. But I still can recall everything vividly, if I choose to think about it. I’m struggling with oversharing versus not sharing enough. I never want to forget you or your name or what you stand for. But I don’t want to constantly recall the hurt or create a pity party for myself. I am my own person but I stand for you. I live for me as I live for you. There are reminders of you everywhere. Triggers that set memories and feelings in motion. I have spent countless car rides in tears because of a song or a thought or a memory. In those moments, I feel relief and peace but I feel ridiculous for crying in the first place. I don’t want everything to be about you yet I want you to see my life and share my life as if you could still physically be in it. I spoke your name for the first time in weeks just a few days ago and it was the strangest feeling in the world. I constantly see your picture but recently it’s just looked like a face. Maybe I haven’t needed to talk about you because I feel at peace with the world and my life. Or maybe I haven’t because I have lost some of that feeling and connection. Maybe I haven’t needed to mention you because you are just subconsciously there. Or maybe I haven’t because I know it will hurt too much.
Whatever it is that’s going on right now with me, I will figure out and work through. I want everything to be about you but I don’t. I want to talk about you to remember and carry out your name but I don’t. Ultimately, I’m still here. You’re still here. That’s something that cannot change. Just stay you and I’ll stay me. Be where you are and I’ll be where I am. And together, we can be.
I love you,
Emily